By Aaron Ramson
Man, it hurts to write this article. Literally. Or is that figuratively? I dunno. What I do know is that I’ve got an ache that starts behind my eyes, bounces around my skull without going anywhere (like my nephew when he plays mini golf), and lodges itself into all my pores until It feels like only a hot shower and some pancakes will undo the damage. Time for five more hangover cures!
When you’ve drank so much of Boone’s “Snow Creek Berry” (I’m not judging [yes, I am]) that even turning on Hulu seems like a chore, the last thing you want to do is exercise. But the latest research is showing that there are major benefits to peeling yourself off the sofa, just not the way you might have thought.
Your body metabolizes the equivalent of one drink an hour, meaning that even if you drank that entire bottle of Strawberry Hill (still judging btw), your poor liver will still have processed it by the next morning. This means that although you don’t actually sweat out the alcohol like we’ve all been led to believe, exercise is still a great way to fight hangovers.
Exercise releases a flood of neurochemicals and hormones that boost your energy, mood, motivation and pleasure. The same qualities that make exercise an effective antidepressant can help you feel better.
Remember to drink a lot of water, since you’re most likely already dehydrated, and check Snapchat to delete any questionable material you may have posted while you were blotto.
7) VITAMIN B12
In last week’s column I’d mentioned how alcohol is a diuretic that robs your body of fluids, right? Well along with all those fluids goes all your bodies vitamins and nutrients, and I personally have a bone to pick with evolution over this.
I mean, mankind has had 9,000 years to adapt to drinking booze and I feel like that’s enough time for my ancestors to have learned to hold on to their B vitamins when they drink!
B12 is essential to a whole slew of your bodies most major functions including DNA production. It’s required for proper function of the brain, nerves, blood cells, and many other parts of the body, so it’s no wonder that you feel so deathly after you’ve peed all your B vitamins out.
Replenishing your bodies B12 will drastically improve those feelings associated with a hangover, and can be done as easily as consuming meats, dairy, eggs, and soy products, (basically a hearty breakfast can get things going).
A team of elite Chinese scientists sacrificed their brain cells, livers, and dignity all to find the world’s greatest hangover cure, and they determined that it was Sprite.
I sh*t you not.
The ubiquitous, sugar-loaded and “lymon” flavored soda is China’s answer to the morning-miseries, and they claim it must do with Sprite’s ability to help the body speed up the breakdown of acetaldehyde (remember that god awful word from my last article? No? Damn boo, go back and read it again).
Well intrepid journalist that I am, I scoured the deep web and combed through the scholarly articles of EBSCOhost, and pretty much no one agrees with those researchers that Sprite is the best hangover cure.
It’s all empty calories and artificial ingredients; you’ll get hydration but that’s it. I suppose if you threw some Alka-Seltzer into your sprite that would be an aight hangover cure, but that’s your bad for taking drinking advice from the Chinese in the first place.
Ginger has been a centuries-used remedy for settling upset stomachs; it’s a natural anti-inflammatory that works like aspirin. Ginger also helps to promote circulation, and contains chemicals that relax the intestinal tract, preventing and relieving nausea, vomiting, and stomach cramps.
Ginger Ale has a little real ginger in it, Reed’s Ginger Beer (it’s non-alcoholic) has even more, but do you want to know the pro move? Make a fresh tea by boiling sliced or grated ginger root in water. Add a squeeze of lime, sweeten however you’d like, and BAM! A homeopathic, vegan, gluten-free, paleo, and whatever-else-you-wanna-add in there, hangover remedy.
10) BE DRINKING BUDDIES WITH A NURSE OR PARAMEDIC
Seriously. The perks are endless, including a free IV hookup and saline drip if you’ve been an especially good friend to them. Did you know that in the pacific theatre of WWII, field medics used coconut water in place of saline solution to administer IV fluids to wounded soldiers? It was an emergency, they weren’t just bored and seeing what would happen. But still!