UNBEWEAVABLE

By | August 18, 2016 at 5:00 pm | No comments | Columns, Haddon Libby

By Haddon Libby

With the Olympics winding down this weekend, what have we learned about Brazil that we didn’t know before? Personally, I didn’t realize that Brazil was as dirty and corrupt as it is. Brazil is polluted too with the green color in their flag matching their water supplies. I also learned that couches and random body parts make great water hazards during crew practice.

While it seems safe to say that having the Olympics in Brazil was a bad idea, it is also safe to say this was not the first (or last) time that people have made bad decisions.

One of my favorite bad ideas is the Burger King Spa in Helsinki. Diners can actually strip down and eat a Whopper while getting a schvitz at this Burger King. This spa concept was recently awarded as a ‘best concept’ in Europe for their efforts at fitting with the local environment. Let’s hope that McDonald’s avoids the need to follow suit and offering naked Quarter Pounders with local variants on their special sauce.

Over in London, naked dining is the new craze. Bunyadi is a restaurant where diners disrobe and are served by a semi-nude staff. The waiting list is 37,000 people long.

Not to be outdone, there is a Fellatio Cafe in Geneva, Switzerland. For about $55, you get a coffee and oral favors. Owner Bradley Chavet states that this is a quick service business fashioned after similar places in Thailand where visitors come and go within five to ten minutes.

In keeping our minds in the gutter, most of us who have travelled through the Midwest have visited a Kum & Go store. It’s like 7-11 but with a far worse name. Still, their name is not as bad as Tranny-Man Transmissions, Bill Buttram Photography, STD Contractors, Menlove Dental, Beaver Cleaners, Vaj’s Garage, Dykes Lumber or Anallabs.

While less evocative than some of these names, I never understood how someone could name a grocery store Ralph’s. With no offense meant toward people named Ralph, I associated this word with vomiting – not a good idea for a place that sells things that you eat.

And Dick! While Dick’s Sporting Goods is a bad business name, it is not nearly as bad as Dick’s Cleaning and Carpet Services, Dick and Sons Flooring Coverings, Dick’s Pumping or Big Dick’s Inn.

Sometimes it is not your fault that your businesses name becomes bad. We need look no further than Luxembourg where there is retail chain named Zika.

Not all bad names are bad. Sometimes a name can be so bad that it is good. Some poorly named hair salons include Curl Up & Dye, Unbeweavable and Hand Job Nails. I wonder if the nail salon uses Kentucky Fried Chicken nail polish. I hear that this real product is finger lickin good.

Any of us who have ever worked in or owned a restaurant know that it is a hard business. A bad name can make things even harder. Some of my favorite bad names include Fuk Mi Sushi, Fu King Chinese, The Golden Shower Restaurant, Cabbages & Condoms Thai, Dumass Tacos, Phat Phuc Noodle Bar, Herpes Pizza, Chewy Balls and my favorite – Cock Block Restaurant – which, not surprisingly, has an All You Can Eat Menu that I’m told leaves many unsatisfied.

If you are in Florida and need a copier, printer or some IT support, visit Boring Business Systems. They have been putting people to sleep since 1924.

When in the U.K., visit Threeway Express if you need the goods delivered promptly.

While traveling, try Barf Bed & Breakfast, Anu’s Lodge, Elephant Butte Inn, Hotel Kuntz or Hotel Ass.

Fishing? The only place to visit is Master Bait & Tackle.

And where should you go when your journey is done? Visit Butcher Funeral Homes.

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