By Jenny Wallis
I have been actively dating someone for seven weeks. We haven’t talked about monogamy or have had sex yet. I am interested in seeing where it goes, yet he hasn’t broached the subject of being exclusive. Is it appropriate timing to bring it up or assume he’s still pursuing other women? And should I continue to date other people as well? We see each other 1-2 times a week and talk most days. Definite attraction, but I’m unsure if he sees a future with me or is just fond of my company.
When is it too soon to have the talk? Or an even better question, should I have the talk at all?
I really like your question. Sometimes it is difficult to figure out when the right time would be to have, “the talk.” And by “the talk,” you mean the discussion of what you are to him, hopefully ending in, “you’re the only one for me,” or at least a simple, “let’s become monogamous.” Because let’s face it, we always want people to know how lucky they are to have what they have with us.
Take some time to wonder why you want to ask that question. Could it be that perhaps you want to feel cared for and cherished by someone, someone who you think you cherish and care about. But why don’t you ask yourself why is it so important to know?
The easy answer to your question, Leilani, is there never is a right time to ask someone how he or she feels about you. There is never a right time to ask someone if he or she plans on being monogamous. There is never a right time because the answer to this question is always obvious. If ever, the answer to this question is not obvious, then maybe other questions besides, “are we explicit,” should be asked. Maybe if you are looking to another to fill the void that you feel there is, the void that could possibly be filled with someone telling you they don’t want you dating another, or they think that maybe you two could have a future together. If you are looking for someone to tell you these things, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.
To put it very simply, when a person is secure on the inside, it is never important what is happening on the outside. But usually, actually always, if you are good on the inside you will be good on the outside. If you are not, then you will be looking outside of yourself to feel good. And that’s when you are looking for love in all the wrong places. It all begins with you.
And another good question that I have for you is; are you more interested in what his reply will be when you ask him these questions? Or are you interested in him? If you are interested in him, then why don’t you just tell him you want to be exclusive, you don’t want him dating other people and you want a future with him? If you are interested in his reply, then it makes sense that you would worry about the timing. But why do you worry about the timing of your question more than you worry about your feelings in this matter? To put it another way, the moment these feelings are felt they should be acted upon. But when you have to ask someone else if it’s the right time to validate your feelings, then you are not honoring your feelings or honoring yourself. Again, you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Don’t look outside yourself for love.
– ❤Namaste, Jenny
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