By Haddon Libby
The next tariff war that President Trump is starting involves reciprocal tariffs against all countries all at once. If a country puts a tariff or duty on U.S. goods, we will apply the same tariff rate on their stuff. On the surface, this seems to make sense. The thought seems to be that tariffs will cause companies to move their production to the U.S. The problem with this way of thinking is that many products cannot be made here as we cannot compete with countries deploying the equivalent of slave labor.
I asked Elon Musk’s Grok AI to help me in researching this topic. After a lengthy investigation, Grok consolidated the research into an article that was awfully dry. The solution was to instruct Grok to share this information with you in the voices of celebrities.
The Twilight Zone: The Tariff Threshold
[Opening shot: Black-and-white footage of a cargo ship fading into fog, Rod Serling stepping forward in a suit, cigarette in hand.]
Rod Serling: “Submitted for your approval: a world of commerce, where invisible lines called tariffs separate nations—not just by geography, but by greed, protection, and the strange arithmetic of power. Tonight, we cross the threshold into the biggest gaps between the United States and Canada, the EU, Mexico, Japan, the Middle East. A dimension not of free trade, but of shadows and barriers. Welcome… to The Twilight Zone.”
The Colbert Report: Tariff Takedown
[Graphic: Maple leaf with a cow, dollar signs raining down.]
Colbert: “Canada, our polite neighbors, turn into tariff Terminators with dairy – 270% over quotas, we’re at zero! Poultry’s 249% to our 20%. That’s a 200-300% gap! I’d say ‘eh, sorry,’ but my milk’s now $50 a gallon.
[Middle East montage: oil rigs, bazaar chaos.]
Colbert: “The Middle East—oil’s free both ways, but poultry? Egypt’s 40%, we’re zero. Cars? 40% to our 2.5%, a 37.5% gap! Steel flips—our 25% to their 12%. Bahrain’s FTA says zero, but Egypt’s like, ‘Pay up, infidel!’ They ship us oil, we send dreams of affordable chicken.”
[Cut to a German car showroom, then a French vineyard.]
60 Minutes: The Tariff Divide
Scott Pelley: “Across the Atlantic, the EU plays hardball. Cars face a 10% tariff there, ours just 2.5%, a 7.5% edge for their $44 billion in exports. Food’s tougher—EU tariffs average 11.1%, ours 3.3%, spiking to 50% on dairy. Steel? Our 25% security tariffs dwarf their 7.5% when quotas run dry. No free trade deal means these gaps sting—EU goods flood in, ours struggle out.”
[Scene: Japanese rice paddies, then a steel mill.]
Nikola Tesla’s Transmission: The Tariff Tempest
[Imagined scene: Tesla in a dimly lit lab, sparks flying from a Tesla coil, papers strewn with tariff charts. Grok chose this historic person.]
Tesla: “Japan, land of precision, defends rice with 200-300%, ours open wide! Beef at 25% to our 20%, steel 25% over quotas to their 5.8%. Vehicles? We charge 2.5%, they none—$50 billion in their craft surges forth. A barrier of tradition, unyielding as the tides!”
[Closing scene: President George Washington at a podium, quill in hand, addressing a crowd in colonial attire.]
President George Washington’s Address on Tariffs
President Washington: “Mexico, bound by the USMCA (trade agreement), aligns most tariffs at zero. Yet beyond quotas, dairy climbs 75-100% to our 20%; poultry, 25% to 17.5%. Once, their vehicles bore 20% to our 2.5%, now silent. They send $263 billion northward- a bond strong, yet tempered by restraint.”
[Washington gazes solemnly at the crowd.]
Washington: “Thus, citizens, tariffs shape our destiny—barriers to some, bridges to others. Let us seek equity in trade, lest we falter in this grand experiment of liberty. I bid you strength and wisdom—may our Republic endure!”
Haddon Libby is the Founder and Chief Investment Officer of Winslow Drake Investment Management, a Fiduciary RIA firm. For more information on our services, please visit www.WinslowDrake.com.
