Dear Jenny,

I have an amazing boyfriend!  We get along so well and like to do most of the same things.  The only problem is that sometimes, actually most of the time, he tells me that I am crowding him.  He has told me that I call him too much, can you imagine?  And he has told me that we spend too much time together.  That really bugged me so I spoke to some of my friends about it.  They even told me that I am a bit too attached to him.  They said that I need to give him space or I would suffocate him.  I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to be with someone you love all the time.  Opinion?  I would love to hear.

Thanks, Allie

Hi Allie,

I absolutely understand what you’re saying about your relationship and your awesome boyfriend, but I’m not sure being attached to anything is healthy.  It often happens that when we are not truly in love with ourselves we tend to attach ourselves to others.  Or put in a simpler way; find someone who makes us feel the way we want to feel.

There are a few different reasons why we sometimes find ourselves attached, even obsessed with another.  Once in a while there may be a person who enters into our life, who seems to be radiating happiness, love and for lack of a better word, fabulousness!  That person can be so powerful in the way they feel and carry themselves, they can actually bring us to a higher level when we are around them.  And it feels so great.  Everything that we do and even the emotions that we feel are at a higher level. It can really bum us out when we are not at that peak.  And that is so understandable, it makes perfect sense, it feels good to feel good!  Unfortunately, when a person wants to do his or her own thing without us, it can end up hurting us, even offending us.  Expecting someone to put you in a certain mood is too much pressure to put on anybody!

The next reason why a person may become more or less attached to another is because he or she just doesn’t like being alone.  Probably, the most common reason for not wanting to be alone is because you just don’t know yourself!  That’s not an easy thing to stomach, but for many of us, it’s true.  It might not be your own doing, maybe you have never had time to get to know yourself, if a person has had mates most of their life, this may be the case.  And there is absolutely nothing the matter with that!

Allie, just because you are involved in a relationship, doesn’t make it impossible to take some time out for you.  Five minutes of meditation, a day trip, a scenic drive, these are simple things to do, for you.  Whatever the reason may be that you are attached to another person, doing stuff for yourself will contribute to lessening it.  You will depend less on another person to lift your spirits and depend more on yourself to do that.  If it’s being alone you don’t like, by purposely taking a few minutes here and a few minutes there, it will become less scary. When one person is “attached” to another it always leads to some sort of resentment.  Try to look at relationships, whatever kind they are, as gifts not necessities.

I have heard this said many times, from many different people, and I want to share it with you. “Try not to confuse attachment with love.  Attachment is about fear and dependency.  Love without attachment is the purest love, it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty.  It’s about what you can give others, because you’re already full!”


– ❤Jenny

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