By Slim Man
Or should I say Happy Holidays? It’s hard to know what to say these days for fear of offending or excluding someone. Joyous Festivus for the Rest of Us! Is that OK?
I get confused at Christmas. I’m not sure how the whole Santa thing came to be, for instance. I understand the gift-giving; a child was born in a manger, and three wise men came bearing gifts of frankincense and myrrh. That’s how the giving of gifts got started.
First of all, why are these wise guys bringing frankincense and myrrh? What exactly are frankincense and myrrh?
Frankincense and myrrh are things that make the air smell good. My guess is that the poor child’s soiled swaddling clothes must have been giving off quite a stench in that little manger. If these three guys were so wise, they should have brought some Pampers. Plus, how are you gonna wash out swaddling clothes in the middle of winter? How are you gonna dry them in the freezing cold? Get smart, wise guys!
And what about this whole Santa thing? The guy flies around the world in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer, delivering gifts to people’s houses. Can’t he just walk in the front door like the rest of us?
No. He sneaks down the chimney, which doesn’t seem like such a safe thing to do. Especially during winter when there are fires blazing. Go to the wrong neighborhood, and there might be guns blazing!
Then I started thinking about Christmas trees. What wise guy came up with the idea to chop down a tree, bring it in the house, and put lighted candles all over? Because that’s how the whole Christmas tree thing got started. It seems pretty dangerous.
“Hey, Hon! I’m gonna step outside, chop down a tree, and bring it inside. Then, I’m gonna put candles all over it, and light them all. What do you think?”
It doesn’t seem like such a…wise thing to do.
Gift-giving is out of control these days. I see a lot of car commercials, encouraging people to buy cars as gifts. Am I missing something? I’ve never met anyone in my life who got a car for Christmas. You give someone a car for Christmas…how are you gonna top that? Buy them a house? I can see getting a kid a bike for Christmas. But a car?
You can buy someone a star for Christmas and have it named after them. Which seems kinda bogus to me. Nobody is ever going to be able to travel to their star. You’ll need a telescope to see it. And it’s not really yours. You get a “star” certificate with your name on it.
You could probably do the same thing with a country in Africa if you wanted to.
“Hey Slim! I bought you an African country for Christmas! It’s not really yours, I just named it after you. I’m calling it ‘SlimBobWay’. Here’s your certificate. Merry Christmas!”
Lots of folks are buying gift cards as Christmas presents. For instance, men will buy their girlfriends gift cards for Victoria’s Secret. Women love lingerie. But men have no clue about women’s sizes, especially for underwear.
Buy your girl a pair of extra-large granny panties and you’re in a heap of trouble. Give her a gift certificate for Victoria’s Secret, and you’re saving yourself a night in the doghouse.
There is no store called “Victor’s Secret”. Why? Because for men, underwear is utilitarian. All we care about is comfort, not sex appeal. And we wear our drawers until they have more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. Sexy!
But, if you are looking for a perfect gift for Christmas, may I suggest a Slim Man Cooks cookbook? It has 52 ravishing recipes, and each one starts with a funny story. The cookbook has links to cooking videos and it comes with a free Slim Man CD.
It might be easier than going out and trying to find some frankincense and myrrh.
Who loves ya?
-Slim Man
Slim Man is doing a cookbook signing at La Rue Bistro in OldTown La Quinta on Thursday, December 15th. All details are at slimman.com.
