By Slim Man
A university in Australia just released a study about men’s beards.
The Aussie academics wanted to know if women liked men with beards. And if so, what kind of beards. So they asked more than 8,000 women what they liked in manly facial hair. The university took photographs of 36 men in various stages of facial hairdom—light stubble, heavy stubble, short beards, and long beards.
They showed these hairy photos to women folk and asked them to rate the pics on two levels. The first level was general attractiveness. The second level was how attractive facial hair was for relationships.
Women found light stubble most attractive, in general.
But women rated men with full beards as most attractive for long-term relationships. Which I found surprising, because women in general are a lot cleaner than men. Leave a man alone for a long weekend, and he won’t shower or comb his hair or notice that he has a piece of pizza stuck to the back of the T-shirt he’s been wearing for 3 days.
Women like things to be clean. And a beard probably isn’t the cleanest thing in the world. After an evening of chicken wings and nachos, there’s got to be some leftovers in that tangle of scruff hanging down from his chin. In terms of hygiene, I thought women might not want to settle down with a guy who has a beard like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
Also, women are an inquisitive bunch. And I thought for sure that women might think a guy with a full beard was hiding something. Like a tattoo of his former girlfriend. Or a scar from a prison knife-fight. Or his pet hamster. But, no. Women like full beards. Shows you how much I know about women folk!
Here’s how the Australian university study worded the results:
“…Beardedness may be attractive when judging long-term relationships as a signal of intrasexual formidability…”
I’m not sure what “intrasexual formidability” is, but if you grow a beard, you’re more likely to find out.
I’ve never had a beard. I just don’t have enough hair on my face. I tried once, and my friend called my attempted facial hair an “Apache” beard–a patchy here, a patchy there. I looked like a feral cat with mange. My dad had a long beard. He didn’t take great care of it; it looked like small birds might fly out of it any second.
There are so many kinds of shrubbery growing around the facial region these days. You have the too-cool-to-shave-for-a-few-days look, which is great for young dudes. But when old guys don’t shave for a few days, they look like they just escaped from the loony-bin.
You’ve got the soul patch, that little triangle of growth beneath the bottom lip. You’ve got the lamb chop sideburns, a look that Elvis rocked back in his white jumpsuit days. Moustaches are making a comeback. My brother has a Fu Manchu moustache that he’s had for a while. The 1980’s cocaine dealer moustache is back in style. The Salvador Dali moustache has yet to make a comeback, but you never know.
Lots of men are growing hair on their faces these days; that’s a fact. I think I know why. It’s the cost of razor blades. According to an English newspaper, prices have gone up almost 100% in the past few years. If those Australians want to do a study, find out why razor blades have become so ridiculously expensive. Because next thing we know, women will stop shaving their legs.
And you won’t need a university study to figure out that men won’t find that attractive. Especially long term.
Who loves ya?
– Uncle Slimmy
Slim Man is a writer, singer, and cook. Check out his music, concert dates, and cookbook on his website, slimman.com
