“…It Is Me Who Is Ultimately Unavailable…”

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Dear Jenny,

I have been in quite a few relationships but not one has stuck!  Not one has lasted longer than a year… Every time I am in a relationship, no matter how great it is in the beginning, it always seems to end abruptly.  I have always complained that I meet unavailable men and they just never seem to stick around.  I have gone through this more than I care to remember, and now some things have become clear to me.  Admittedly, it is me who is the one who is ultimately unavailable.  Now that I see this attribute in me, and recognize it, how do I change it?

-Shelly

Hi Shelly,

That’s a great question and unfortunately pretty common.  The difference here is that you are aware of it and want to change it.  Way to go!

There are lots of people who have an immense fear of making commitments.  How would you know if you are a commitment phobia type of person?  One good clue is if you find yourself always in a relationship with unavailable people.  And you saw this, that’s part of the battle, as well as admitting it to yourself.

Relationships can be amazing, fabulous, fun, enticing… but at the same time, they can be extremely frightening, scary even. When trying to create something deep and meaningful in our lives, we must take a chance in surrendering to something or someone beyond ourselves.  And that can be a terrifying thought.

Let’s break it down and really look at what commitments are.  They are unseen agreements in our lives that without, we feel alone.  Actually, the feeling of belonging and being connected to others is directly related to our willingness to commit. There are so many different forms of commitment besides romantic relationships.  You can start out by being willing yourself to commit to a project, doing work for the community, loving an elder or a pet… there are so many people in need of love.  When you commit to helping in these ways, you are opening your heart and views and becoming less selective in what to commit to and it makes it a little less scary.   In time, you will consciously withhold less when it comes to loving.  Then, you will notice almost everything in your life will be different, feel different, look different even; all because you are willing to try.

When you look at people who are “commitment-phobes” and you analyze it, you will see there are multiple times they hurt themselves; maybe not hurting themselves physically, but by their behaviors.  Have their behaviors been addictive, compulsive perhaps?  Have they been willing to stand up for themselves and really try to work it out?  Or, have they always been one to get up and go when the going gets tough?  Leave a home, a job, a friendship, or maybe a romantic relationship?  All of these ask for commitment and if someone cannot deliver, then is it any wonder they can’t find their loving mate?  When you make the decision to fight for you, to stand up for you and commit to you, everything else will come, but that has to be your first step.

Once you make that commitment to yourself, glorious things that require commitment will follow.  But you cannot leave out this very important step.  Lots of us want proof that something is going to work out exactly the way we want it to, and then we will commit to it.  So many of us want to know it’s a sure thing, otherwise we don’t want to waste our time and energy with it.  That’s so understandable, but once we go out on that high wire without a net and we really try, then miracles will start happening.  Remember that a miracle is just a shift in our mindset.  We see things in ways we never knew were possible.  A certain synchronicity happens, something that could only happen when you make the decision to invest in yourself, and other things that cannot be foreseen.

Commitment can be a tough thing, we need it from others, we need to feel that they are committed too.  And we need to give it to others; we need to show them that we have their backs and will go the distance with them.  But may I suggest the biggest most important commitment you will ever make, one that can open you up to a life you can’t even begin to imagine, is the commitment you must make with yourself. Start there and the rest will follow.

– ♥Jenny

Jenny Wallis- Don’t forget to follow Jenny on askjennynow.com. Contact her at 760-505-0952.