BY LAURA ANNE ROWELL
Q: I want to try something new with my partner of 20 years but not sure how to ask or what they will think. I’ve been watching a lot of BDSM porn and want to try it. Any advice?
A: Firstly don’t worry about their judgment. Usually the judgment is all in your head or coming from society. In our country there seems to be many hang ups around sex and concerns about what everyone else is supposedly doing in the bedroom.
Statistically speaking, a 1990’s Kinsey report states that 10% of the population engages in some form of BDSM. Decades later that number went up to 85% after Fifty Shades of Grey books (and movies) came out. So you are NOT alone in wanting to experiment or try something new.
Some of the best ways to ease into the subject is to take your partner to a kinky movie, burlesque show or adult play. See how their reaction is and watch how their body response (deep inhales, biting of the lips, crossing legs tightly) to different scenes or dancers. After the show, perhaps over some wine, ask if they would be willing to do what you want to try out. See if they would be up to going to an adult novelty shop to pick out some goodies. If you want to try an extreme or “real” BDSM play, then best to seek professionals advice (try a legitimate dungeon, hire a Dominatrix or see a sex coach) for safety and pleasure reasons.
A couple of other things to remember – make sure they feel safe in telling you their desires as well. Be willing to try new things with them that they may ask. Respect it if they say no and don’t push anyone into doing anything they don’t want.
And remember to never “yuck” someone’s “yum”. We all have some form of kink or a fetish that just does it for us. As long as it is legal, enjoy! You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your sex life as well as every other part of it!
Q: I’m having some issues with keeping “it” up. I can’t take viagra (for health reasons). Anything else I can do?
A: I will assume you have been to a doctor and there is nothing physically wrong with your ED (Erectile Dysfunction). The first thing I tell my clients who seek advice about ED, is to monitor your drinking. “Whiskey Dick” (drinking so much alcohol you can’t get it up) is a real thing. It can affect men at any age. So try cutting back your drinking on nights you think you’re going to get laid (besides no-one is turned on by a man who can’t hold his alcohol. Not a good look).
I also recommend meditation and breath work. This helps you get in touch with your body and can calm anxiety, which can also be a culprit for not being able to perform. Start with simple things, like feeling the water in the shower, being aware of your surroundings and several minutes of deep breath work with counting (Inhale 3, exhale 3. Inhale 5, exhale five. Keep going to about 10 and then count down).
If you are anxious about your performance, classes, books, coaches and therapist can all help you. Many men are now nervous because of watching so much porn. Just remember porn is NOT real. Yes it can be fun, but do not use it to measure yourself or your partner with.
Another alternative way to cope with ED is through hypnotherapy. But be sure you visit a certified therapist. There are no rules or US regulations for monitoring hypnotherapist, so do your homework.
Laura Anne Rowell is a professional sex and intimacy coach living in Pam Springs. Send your questions to: Laura@PrimitiveBalance.com Follow her on Twitter: LauraAnneRowell@PrimiveBalanc
For more information or to schedule an appointment visit: PrimitiveBalance.com