By Slim Man

I was in Nashville doing interviews for the Hobnobbin’ with Slim Man podcast. The podcast launches July 3rd, and the pitch is “Conversations with people on both sides of the show biz curtain.”

After Nashville, I flew to my hometown of Baltimore for a few shows, and to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at Camden Yards for the Baltimore Orioles baseball team. What an honor!

The next day, I flew back to Palm Springs, California, and then drove to San Diego, where I rehearsed with an 18-piece big band for a Rat Pack show I’m doing at the Bernardo Winery on August 27th. What a blast it is to sing with a band that big and bold!


The next day, I drove back to Palm Springs.

I couldn’t help but notice all the billboards. There were the usual suspects, billboards for fast food restaurants and real estate. And then there were lots of billboards for concerts at the casinos.

What an amazing variety of acts. Chris Rock, Lionel Richie, Ziggy Marley, the Doobie Brothers, CHIC, Garbage, Tom Jones, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Styx, Johnny Mathis, Joe Bonamassa, Van Morrison, and even Sophia Loren. Lots of billboards touting lots of artists, all headed to Palm Springs.

But, there were two billboards that got me thinking–which is dangerous because of my malady, Attention Surplus Syndrome. You know the acronym. I think about things for too long.

One billboard that got my attention was the Second Amendment Store. I thought that maybe it was some kind of political place where people could debate the Constitutional Amendments.

No. It was a place where they sold guns and ammo and had a firing range. Now, before you fire off that angry email, I’m not condemning or condoning. I’m just reporting.

Here is what I started thinking…why stop at a Second Amendment Store? Why not have a mall, a big mall where they could have stores for all 27 Constitutional Amendments?

The store for the first amendment, the one that guarantees free speech, could have megaphones and microphones and PA systems. They could have a free speech range, so to speak. People could go there and yell at each other all day long.

The Constitutional Amendment Mall could be a big hit, I tell ya! Well, maybe the 13th amendment, the one that abolished slavery, I’m not sure what you could do in that store. And the 18th amendment, the one that banned alcohol, that wouldn’t be any fun.

But the 21st Amendment Store would be a blast! That’s the amendment that repealed the 18th amendment. Party time! They could serve shots, have beer and wine. Maybe combine the 21st Amendment Store with the Second Amendment Store! Guns and alcohol, together in the same place!

What fun.

The last billboard that caught my eye was an advertisement for Gay Emojis. If you’re still using a flip-phone, you might not know what emojis are. The original emoji was a yellow circle with a smiley face.

It had the caption “Have a Nice Day” underneath. Since then, there have been so many emojis that it will make your eyes roll.

And now there are gay emojis. Which I think is great. Why not? But why stop at gay emojis? I think we should keep the trend going and growing. I’m thinking we could have Mafia Emojis. Have an image of a guy with cement shoes, something you could send when you’re really angry with somebody.

They already have African-American emojis, and Latino emojis. Why not start some Italian-American emojis? Have an image of spaghetti and meatballs to indicate it’s time to eat. Or have an image of an Italian guy shrugging his shoulders to let someone know you’re confused.

Or have an emoji of a woman with a moustache to send to your girlfriend to let her know to stop mothering you. Or an emoji of Sophia Loren to let your partner know it’s sexy time!

How about a Slim Man emoji? Send it to someone who needs to lighten up and brighten up.

Have a Nice Day, Slim People!

Who loves ya?