By Laura Anne Rowell
Q: When is the right time to tell someone you’re are dating about a STD?
A: There is no real “right time” other than before you have sex. In California it is against the law to engage in sexual behavior without disclosure of a known STD.
Now for the good news, 1 out of every 4 people has some sort of STI (STI sexually Transmitted Infection is now used instead of STD Sexually Transmitted Disease, due to not everything being a disease). The most common is Herpes. Herpes falls into 4 different stages (like chickenpox, shingles, cold sores are all in the herpes family), but let’s stick to Herpes type 2 (HSV-2) which is genital herpes. The best way to approach the subject prior to being all hot and bothered, is over dinner or coffee, not phone, email or text. Being upfront and honest is always the best even if it is the hardest way. A good note to stress is that in today’s age it is almost better to have sex with someone who knows they have it and are taking precautions than with someone who might have a false negative (this is very common, which is why 2 different forms of testing is recommended) and is not taking suppressant medication or using condoms or dental damns. Let your partner take in all the info and processes it. Do not expect them just to be okay with everything right away. Give them space. Be ready to answer any question they might ask (some common questions: Who gave it to you? How many outbreaks have you had? When was your last outbreak?).
Herpes have been given a bad stigma and you can get it from just having one partner. There is no need to feel embarrassed or shame. It happens; it is not the end of the world. Educate yourself and others and don’t worry, you can still have plenty of fun fulfilling sex.
Q: My Husband and I each work full time and have 2 little ones under the age of 10. We haven’t had sex in months and neither of us is feeling that sexy. Is there a way to get our “mojo” back?
A: YES! A good healthy sexual relationship requires work (just like other parts of your marriage). Once kids come along sex seems too often be the first thing that goes out the window. A good simple first step is to do a date night. Schedule it! Put it on your calendar like you would a business meeting or workout with a trainer. Get a sitter or possibly exchange date night babysitting with another couple who has children (This also sets up accountability and you can’t back out as easily). Start with monthly or bi-weekly and see if that works for your schedule. Neither of you are allowed to break it for any reason (unless death or some REAL emergency).
The day of your date start building sexual tension first thing in the morning. Maybe leave sexy notes in each other’s car or wallet or someplace they will see. Perhaps a little “I can’t wait to own you later” or “I can’t wait to taste you tonight”; something about the evening that is coming. During the day call the others office. Not cell phone (unless this is their work number). Start with just a few simple dirty sentences or if you are into role play use that character and tone (like a naughty school girl or perhaps a disciplinarian), start this NOW over the phone and keep it up at the hotel or in your home.
If you decide for dinner prior to sex, keep it light, without too much alcohol (you can drink all you want after). Make sure you have any toys or outfits ready to go. You can make it romantic with candles or raunchy with some good porn or even fun BDSM. Whatever keeps you excited and the spark going.
The hopes is, that you like this so much you will be counting down the days until next time and might even begin sooner. Remember what you found attractive about your partner and rekindle that feeling. This is a beginning to your new sexual relationship with each other.
Laura Anne Rowell is a professional sex and intimacy coach living in Pam Springs. As a journalist she wrote feature articles, interviewed musicians, and was editor of newspapers. She has also worked as a publicist for international music festivals and a free-lance researcher for online journals. She is currently finishing her first book, “F*ck Like a Slut,” a frank, female-oriented sexual self-help guide. For more information please visit PrimitiveBalance.com.