Dear Jenny,

I haven’t read this in your column before and I can’t help but ask!  I am a single man, I love dating, meeting new people, getting to know them and well, just having fun!  The problem I seem to always run into is that I get involved with women who want monogamous relationships.  That is something that I do not want, at least at the current moment.  But the thing is that I tell that straight from the beginning.  I tell them I am just looking to have fun and want to keep dating more than one woman at a time, they seem fine with it.  They tell me they understand and feel the same way.  Then as our relationship progresses, they tell me they want more from me.  They want to begin dating exclusively.  I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me.  It’s not like I try to hide anything from them, I am honest with my intentions from the beginning!



Hi Mark,

The majority of women, not all, but the majority of them, they are looking for a monogamous relationship.  Being with someone, someone to love and have fun with and not have to worry if they are out there with anyone else. Finding someone who you can live happily ever after with, who wouldn’t want that? 

It’s not hard to say that you don’t want a monogamous relationship.  Especially when you are not dating anyone, and wish that you were.  It’s not hard to say that you aren’t looking for marriage or a forever partner, especially when you are lonely for a companion.  What a person says they want at the beginning of potential relationship is usually a little different than what they really want.  It would be great if during the first date we put all of our cards on the table, but usually, we keep things that are most important to us private, understandably so. 

When a person is single and he or she feels lonely, they may begin to feel a little out of sorts.  When I say out of sorts, I mean that they may start feeling they are not enough, they may start to feel that they would be better when they are with another.  Simply put, life may look better if another person is living it with you.  All of these thoughts and feelings only come when you are not satisfied with yourself.  When you are not satisfied with yourself and you are looking outside of yourself for something to make you satisfied, you’re never going to find relief.  (Maybe temporary relief, but it won’t last)

When you meet a person and go out on a date, you state that you are not looking for a monogamous relationship.  But understand that when the other person replies, it is usually just to get closer to what the other person is looking for; in this case it’s a partner.  So from the beginning the romance is based on different needs and wants.  Fast forward to when the couple has been casually dating for a while, things seem to be working out for the person interested in a non-monogamous relationship.  But the other person who has been feeling so good since he or she is now being cherished and someone is paying so much attention to them, only wants more.  They don’t want this feeling to go away.  Their primary focus has been on the other loving them and adoring them and completing then, and of course, that means being monogamous.  So imagine their surprise to hear that you still don’t want monogamy. 

Unfortunately Mark, when two people start off wanting different things it is hard to come together at the end.  It is best to find out about the other person.  Where are they coming from? Are they looking for another person to complete them?  Or are they already accountable for themselves and ready to move forward in their life?  Lastly, what a person focuses on the most is what they draw to them. In this case, if a person focuses so much on how they are NOT looking for a partner who does NOT want an open relationship.  That is what they will get!

– ❤Namaste, Jenny

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