They call me Uncle Ben. I am the host of a podcast entitled Live From Uncle Ben’s that despite its name is not recorded live. Why the ruse, you ask? Nothing sinister, I assure you. It is recorded live. I mean, I guess everything is. Even a live recording of a recording is done during actual existence. Right? But what is existence anyway? Are you live? Are you a-live? I don’t know. And that’s not what I came here to talk about. I came here to talk about the draft (just kidding), but seriously folks…
For years I wanted a voice to showcase my minimal talents as a journalist, blogger, impressionist, comedian, artist, florist, photographer, baseball player, super-hero, pastry chef, origami-ist (?), etc. Finding no paid avenue to pursue such fantasies, I took to the place where all delusions of grandeur-having neophytes go to express their discontent/approval of everything: the Internet. You see the Internet is this series of underwater tubes running from house to house that connect everyone’s personal thoughts and opinions and transcribes them onto computer screens so that we feel slightly closer to one another without actually having to be closer to one another. These tubes are usually filled with the mindless plasma of porn, pictures of someone’s dessert on Instagram and every YouTube video of someone’s cat doing the Nae-Nae or someone’s kid doing the Nae-Nae or someone explaining to me what is the Nae-Nae.
But every so often a voice comes along that redefines everything. A voice that puts your life and everyone else’s lives into such perspective that one may ponder his/her own existence prior to learning of said knowledge. Well folks that time has come. That voice is here. That voice is… D-Trump? Clinton (Bill, Hillary or George)? Howard Stern? Bernie Sanders? Colonel Sanders? I sure hope not. All I know is that it is not yours truly. I know, I know, seems like one hell of a build-up for such a minimal delivery. Such is life for good ol’ Uncle Ben. Lots of promise yet minimal delivery. Maybe we’ll find that voice soon. Maybe we’ll find that voice together – as a society. You know, a collection of people living for and with one another for common betterment? That thing we have completely abandoned?
Look, I don’t want to get off on a rant here but I think we have hit the apex of dissention within our civilization. From political ideology to deflated footballs to intentional and unintentional (both equally horrid, by the way) racism to holiday lighting, we have dug ourselves so deep into our respective beliefs/sides that any accommodation from either side is impossible to expect. I’m not advocating abandonment of principles or a surrender of inalienable rights but I am advocating compromise. We have to look in the mirror and realize we do live in a society and in order for that society to flourish we need to live and work together, on everything. So yeah, maybe not buying that 38th assault rifle isn’t such a bad idea. We get it, bro, you want to protect your family from the inevitable invasion of aliens the size of Thanksgiving Day Parade Snoopy. That is your right. No one is trying to take that away from you. We are just asking that you pump the breaks and stop scaring the norms. And I’m also talking to you too, Mr./Mrs. Get The Christ Out Of Christmas. I honestly don’t think your shopping experience is going to be ruined by having to make your way around the tree, through the middle school choir and past the Santa Line to get yourself or your godless family a Star Wars toy. See? Compromise! It’s actually quite simple. So if you know somebody in a similar situation– or you yourself may be in a similar situation – just take a deep breath, close those eyes and think, “what would Uncle Ben do?” Well for that my friends, you’re going to have to stay tuned, for I don’t give out all my secrets and advice on the first day. I will draw them out in a monthly column. Painfully and sometimes hilariously dissecting life’s problems and providing advice to you, the citizens of the Internet: my new favorite place. But I digress…
For this rant, other rants and to listen/subscribe to full episodes of the podcast, please visit: www.LiveFromUncleBens.com.
