Dear Jenny,

I have been with my boyfriend for four years.  We have been happily living together for three years.  We have moved across the country together, we are absolutely in love.  I have noticed though, he doesn’t do the same things he used to do.  He used to be so much more romantic.  He would give me gifts and consciously want to spend his free time with me.  Now, he rarely gives me gifts, he hardly even compliments me anymore.  I adore him and our relationship, but this behavior is really bugging me.  Is this how all relationships are after a while?  Am I just being too greedy?  Should I just be grateful that we are still together and in love, even though the romance isn’t there anymore?

Love, Candace

Hi Candace,

I think that what you are feeling is pretty normal, and felt by many.  Whoever has been with a romantic partner for more than six months probably knows exactly what you are talking about.  Things tend to start out great, and be really sweet, with you and your partner being so attentive to each other. There is so much that seems new; you want to spend most, if not all, of your time together, getting to learn more about the other person.  You will get each other gifts and will love giving things to the other person.   It’s all so fresh and fun!

I have heard the romance cools down after some time, or leaves completely.  What can be done about it?  The partnership is still there and the love is still there, just with less momentum.  Some say that after a short amount of time you stop putting your best foot forward, stop trying to impress.  Whatever the reason, change is the result in all relationships.  It’s inevitable and change is the only thing that is guaranteed.  Sometimes it makes relationships closer, the parties involved have grown together.  On the other hand it can also make the couple fall apart.  But either way, there are some things that need to be considered.

Why don’t you consider giving romance a new definition?  The question that you presented made it sound like giving you gifts and flowers and spending free time with you equaled romance.  Is that how you define romance?  The term itself has a few definitions.  But mostly it means the act of love and feeling that emotion.  I think the love you are feeling is what you need to focus on.

There is no reason to waste energy on thinking about how things used to be or even try to fix things.  Instead maybe you should spend time changing your thoughts.  If you change your thoughts, then the things you look at change too.  Make sure that you don’t spend any time talking about how he no longer does what he used to do.  That will only amplify it and make it a bigger deal than it is.  According to the Law of Attraction, when you talk and think about something, another thought that is the same will be attracted to it and then they will build from there.  So unless you want to make this a big hairy deal, I wouldn’t talk about it.  On the flip side, maybe try focusing on what he does do that makes you happy and that you would define as romantic; because those thoughts will attract more thoughts and bring more to you.

Change your thought process and change your belief.  A belief is just a thought you keep thinking.  Shift your thought pattern onto things that he does do! Thinking about things that he doesn’t do, is just not serving you!


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